A Grade 11 Video (as Criticized by Dean Cooper)

Back in grade 11, fellow CreCommer Adam Campbell and I produced a video of virtuoso proportions, combining philosophical depth with a rare attention to detail. Needless to say, the finished product was of extreme quality.

At least that's how our 16-year-old selves felt at the time. After taking over a year of schooling under the tutelage of video guru Dean Cooper, as well as film courses at the University of Winnipeg, I have come to realize that the once behemoth greatness of the mock-investigative report show, "The Ninth Ring," has become slightly diminished in my eyes (and soul).

This blog post will - at the risk of my own teenage ego - reveal to the world the stunted masterpiece that is "The Ninth Ring," and also provide a brief and honest evaluation by a fictionalized version of the man himself, Dean Cooper.

1. Poor Audio Levels – The listener’s ears are almost immediately berated by levels that are not only peaking well above zero, but are also inadequately pop-filtered. The rest of the video isn’t much better. Improper miking results in heavy background noise, and the clipped audio during the interview sequence makes the video seem cheap and unprofessional. 2/10.

2. Long Shots – Nothing was shot from more than one angle. And there are two shots that exceed 30 seconds. Good Lord. 0/10.

3. Flat Backgrounds – The interview sequence filmed against that piss-green wall is so bad that not even the decent depth of field exhibited in the outdoor scenes could save you. 1/10.

4. Lack of Foliage in the Foreground – No foliage equals no marks. 0/10.

5. Inadequate Lighting – Most of the shots are too dark. Even the outdoor shots with the host speaking to the camera are marred by shadows across the subject’s face. Honestly, how did you mess that up? 2/10.

6. “Talent” – Perhaps the video’s greatest flaw. Not only are the actors ill-suited for their roles, they strike me as being completely false and pretentious douchebags. I pray these hopeless morons never end up in CreComm. -5/10.

       Closing remarks: Do everything better. Overall score: 0/60.

The 5 Song Saturday Night Soundtrack

Have your Saturday evenings been lackluster as of late? Been missing that certain spark? Personal soundtracking is an effective and pretentious way to add that special something to your weekend party nights. Without further ado, Uncle Dylan's Five Song Saturday Night Soundtrack.

via finemoviesonline.com

 1. Booker T. & the M.G.’s – Green Onions

It doesn’t matter what sort of adventure you plan to embark on, this classic will immediately validate it. The sharp organ, throbbing baseline, twanging guitars – Green Onions will make you feel like a better and more interesting person than you actually are. That false confidence is going to be a great starting point for your special evening.

2. Bob Dylan – Rainy Day Women #12 & 35

I’d like to preface this entry by stating that I’m not much of a pot smoker. However, regardless of your vice(s), Bob Dylan’s wild refrain of “Everybody must get stoned!” is an apt and compelling chorus to properly begin your night of decadence and sin. The intoxicated horns, slurred vocals, and manic drums will march you from the pregame right out into the field. And the guy who yells “f*** yeah” around the 4:24 mark is just bonus.

3. The Stooges – 1970

To be played extremely loud at what you deem to be the peak of the evening. But beware. This song has been known to take previously normal humans and make them do strange, ungodly things like break dinner plates over their heads and challenge people to arm wrestles. It also has the words “out of my mind on Saturday night” in it, and that kind of poetry just can’t be left off a list of this nature.

Choose your own adventure! What kind of night has it been? If you’ve got a strapping stud or delicate dame on your arm continue onward. If not, skip to songs 4b and 5b.

4. Bruce Springsteen – Prove it all Night

When it comes to naïve, drunken love no one does it quite like The Boss. This song is a personal pick and could theoretically be substituted for Born to Run, Candy’s Room, Jungleland, and over a dozen other similarly themed Springsteen songs. Alternately, try throwing on Pink Cadillac for a bit of distasteful metaphoric fun.

5. Dr. Dre – Big Ego’s

You've done it. A perfect Saturday night. Turn this late 90's track on late and loud. Think about the important stuff, like how much better you are than your friends and how awful you're going to feel tomorrow morning.

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4B. The Smiths – How Soon is Now?

So the night didn’t turn out quite the way you planned. It happens. Turn on this number, slink into the kind of depression that only the mid-80’s can bring, and be happy that you’re not as lonely, morose, and into Oscar Wilde as Morrissey is.

5B. Tom Waits – Eggs and Sausage

Now that you’ve driven yourself into a spiritual desolation, the only proper way to close the evening is by filling your empty stomach (and heart) with heap upon heap of greasy food. Whether you’re a gypsy hack or an insomniac, this lonesome ballad will be the perfect accompaniment to your late night food binge. And what kind of pies?

In the Neighbourhood

It’s common for artists to draw inspiration from the foggy, purple memories of a half-remembered childhood. These memories are already filled with a lost creativity and emotion that is specific to being a kid – or maybe just specific to having a tiny, toddler brain that is fuelled entirely by the Power Rangers and Sour Patch Kids. In any event, they invoke a different type of imagination, one that is deeply personal and entirely exaggerated. But that’s what makes them such excellent creative fodder. The fantasy is already there, all it needs is extrapolation.

The rural roads and bleached bungalows that provide the backdrop for these nostalgic recollections are warped in a similar fashion. Everything is a little brighter, a little gauzier. It might be that time twists these memories, making them surreal. Or maybe all children are dosed multiple times a day with psilocybic mushrooms. I just don’t know. Either way, creative work generated via the memory of these sentimental scenes is fitting. And compelling.

Neighbourhoods and boroughs, streets and promenades – they’re a reoccurring theme in art.  In music, for example, songs like Tom Waits’ “Kentucky Avenue,” John Lennon’s “Strawberry Fields Forever,” and Neil Young’s “It’s a Dream” all ruminate upon locales that are both entrenched and lost in the writer’s mind. Young’s refrain of “It’s a dream, it’s only a dream, and it’s fading now, fading away” perhaps best captures this paradoxical state. Lennon’s lyrics are whimsical, mystical, and nonsensical, oftentimes simultaneously. It’s possible that he may be attempting to recreate his memories as honestly as possible, using language and rhyme that is intentionally strange to incite feelings akin to his own in the listener.

And Tom Waits, well, he just writes. And smokes. And drinks. And other cool things.

Psychedelic Band Names and Passive Creativity

“And it was right in the middle of that whole psychedelia. Chocolate Subway, Marshmallow Overcoat. Those kind of names, you know?” – Richard Manuel in The Last Waltz

Although the two band names that Manuel lists in Scorsese’s famous film are – to my knowledge – fictional, he correctly identifies a late-60’s penchant for band names involving seemingly random strings of adjectives and nouns. Chocolate Subway may not be real, but it’s not far off from Strawberry Alarm Clock. And although Marshmallow Overcoat may be an off the cuff improvisation, The Electric Prunes certainly existed. Not to mention Silver Apples and The Peanut Butter Conspiracy.

image via auctiva.com

 At the time, I imagine these bands chose these particular names thinking it would set them apart from the great, bubbling mass of experimental pop/rock outfits. Ironically, it helped them fit right in.

That doesn’t mean that the names are bad though. In fact, they’re all super funny and awesome. So much so, that, in a fit wild passion, I decided to devise a few band names myself. However, I quickly realized this was no fun, as it took all the surprise and eccentricity out of the names. So instead, I engaged in my first act of passive creativity. I expelled a few dozen adjectives and nouns onto blank page, cut the page up, and began drawing at random. Here’s what I came up with…

Plasticine Armadillo

Ordinary Tobacco God

The Public Coral Bath

The Porcelain Ninnies

White Rain Dream

Absolute Statue

The Ketchup Innuendo

Steam-Powered Time

Beer Porridge

The Private Coffee Table

The Terrible Letter R

Freedom’s Trenchcoat

Tempest Tub

I also ended up with a few that sounded vaguely heavy metal…

Goliath Bullet Jr.

Fist of Ashes

Fighting Guitar Storm

Doug’s Iron Air