Chess is for intellectuals like me

About a month ago I had the terrible misfortune of becoming addicted to chess. That’s right, chess. That game that Magneto and Professor Charles Xavier play in the X-Men movies. I’m not sure how it happened – peer pressure, the prolonged horrors of Semester 3 CreComm, or maybe just an internet pop-up that I couldn’t minimize quick enough. In any event, I very quickly found myself retreating into the two-dimensional world of bishops and pawns whenever I had the opportunity.

At this point I’d like to state that I am not good at chess. I lack the patience and forethought required to truly excel at the game. To give you some frame of reference, I usually play against the computer of this site and I can win on “easy” about half the time. However, I have been forcibly and quickly annihilated every time I have tried on “medium.” Not particularly impressive. Yet my repeated failures have taught me a thing or two…

Two intellectuals play chess in Montreal.

1. Chess is hard: This isn’t a game that can be played without thought. If you are tired, disgruntled, or drunk, you will lose. This is obviously a generalization (who isn’t at least one of those things at any given time?), yet the sentiment remains true.

2. Chess is not relaxing: It’s tremendously frustrating. There is no worse feeling than setting up a perfect game only to blow it all with an imprudent move of a rook. It’s the board game equivalent of auto-failing an assignment you would have received an A on.

3. The history of chess is storied and fascinating: If you are as enraptured by virtuosity as I am, chess and the performances of its finest players will captivate you. It's incredible that a game involving 32 pieces on a board has enough complexity that it can be dominated by one man for over 20 years, and only a handful throughout the entire 20th century.

So, do I feel smarter since I began playing chess? Sharper? More enlightened? Not particularly. In fact, at the end of the day I still very much prefer relaxing with a couple laps on Mario Kart 64’s “Rainbow Road.” The cascading colours, the charming melodies, the perfect numbness.

But that doesn’t make me sound very refined, now does it?

Songs for Janes, wherever I may find them

The reign of Jane is over. It's one of those unfortunate titles that - like Linda or Barbara - was once terribly popular, but has slowly drifted into a prolonged obscurity. Not since 1983 has Jane appeared in even the top 300 most popular female baby names. I'm not getting those statistics from anywhere, it's just something I know.

However, there was a time when meeting a girl named Jane was as common as meeting a drunk guy on public transit. Many of these Janes were born shortly after WWII during the baby boomer period. This meant that all these young lasses were becoming young women during the mid to late 1960's. The influence of this bloom rippled throughout the music world, resulting in a fine deluge songs about Jane. (I'd like to state now that I realize Maroon 5's debut album is titled, Songs about Jane. I've chosen to ignore this).

1931 Nobel Peace Prize winner, Jane Addams
(image via beginningofahero.com)

Nick Drake - Hazey Jane I

A soothing song that sees Drake questioning the motives and conceptions of a woman named Jane. Very melancholy and pretty. Also, with a title like "Hazey Jane" it's very possible that this song is about pot, although I don't hear it. Honourable mentions to Drake's other Jane tunes, "Hazey Jane II" and "Thoughts of Mary Jane." The guy loved him some Jane.

Bob Dylan - Queen Jane Approximately

A classic off what is likely Bob Dylan's most well-known and acclaimed album, "Queen Jane Approximately" portrays a Jane that is intelligent, popular, and narcissistic. I was once nearly fired for playing this song too loudly at work. Numerous customers complained to my manager during the second harmonica solo. This song may also be about weed.

The Velvet Underground - Sweet Jane

An epic, pillar-shaking opus to the name. Exalted in every way. Definitely about Marijuana. Or heroin. Or the dozen other vices Lou Reed carried. Or maybe just about a Sweet Jane.

Raising Musical Awareness: Chunga's Revenge

When a musician releases two superlative albums in the same year – especially ones titled Burnt Weeny Sandwich and Weasels Ripped My Flesh respectively – you know they’ve reached an artistic zenith that is unattainable to the standard breed. And then, with the release of Chunga’s Revenge that same year (1970), Frank Zappa was in the void.

image via wikipedia.com

 I don’t even know if Chunga’s Revenge is good. In typical Zappa fashion it is equal parts beautiful and terrible; equal parts brilliant and overwrought. “The Nancy & Mary Music” is the best example of this. It’s over 9 minutes of jazz-pop free-jamming. It’s hypnotizing and aggravating and genius. It may be the strongest song on the album and I’m pretty sure I don’t like it.

Similarly, a song like “Would You Go All The Way?” has all the garishness and crudeness of a number from The Rocky Horror Show. Yet somehow, just like the tunes in that musical, it remains charming.

However, there are definitely inarguable classics weaved in among the improvisation and tackiness. The two last tracks fall into this category. “Rudy Wants to Buy Yez a Drink” is everything that makes Zappa wonderful. It may be trying to take a stance on the Musician’s Union? I don’t care. It is filled with life and nonsense. The thumping, brassy instrumentation and shrill, wild vocals make it a forgotten minor classic to my ears.

And the album closer, “Sharleena,” exists somewhere between a late-70’s porno soundtrack and a genuinely heartfelt love ballad. It’s the most emotionally revealing song on Chunga’s (outside of Zappa’s guitar work on the title track maybe), even if it is about a groupie. It is beautifully eerie, relatively commercial sounding, and probably my personal favourite on the album. 

The cover of Chunga’s Revenge is as accurate a summation of the album as any. Is he yelling? Yawning? For fans of Zappa’s earlier politically-driven or jazz-infused works the album will provide moments of true frustration. For new fans, the striking disparity in this collection of songs, both in terms of quality and genre, may incite anger. However, I’d venture to say that most will find numerous occasions to shout with delight. And anyone who doesn’t is a burnt weeny sandwich.

Listening Recommendations: In small doses twice weekly until you think Frank Zappa is a genius. Or until you hate him. Whatever comes first.

Songs for Emilys, wherever I may find them

Women are like granite countertops - they're very beautiful. And similar to granite countertops, they have long served as a powerful inspiration for the artist, the filmmaker, and, of course, the songwriter.

The names Roxanne, Layla, and Angie have given life to famous rock songs. However, the influence of the countertop-esque woman extends far beyond the realm of rock and roll, with Carmen and Salome lending their mysterious persuasion as the title characters of famous Operas.

Even among the great, melodious sea of female appellation, however, there are certain names that rise to the surface and appear as the titular theme to numerous songs. One such name is Emily.

Etiquette Aficionado, Emily Post
(image via vasmith.wordpress.com)

Pink Floyd - See Emily Play

The first song regarding an Emily that ever reached my ears (citation needed). The wailing organ, descending piano, and overall sense of strangeness sparked my continued association of Emilys with hard psychoactive drugs.

Simon & Garfunkel - For Emily, Wherever I May Find Her

The most romantic song ever written. And it never mentions the name Emily once (beyond the title), making it the perfect tune to woo any starry-eyed, granite-like gal.

The Moody Blues - Emily's Song

This song has the name Emily in it and is written by late-sixties symphonic-rock band, The Moody Blues. That's really all I know about it.