It was the New Year's issue of The Projector and two twisted young souls, Dylan Hughes and Chuka Ejeckam, were approached to compose a list of alternative New Year's resolutions. They wrote for nights on end, slowly sinking into the black endlessness of the comedic abyss. In all, they wrote roughly 35 resolutions. 18 were submitted to the paper and 10 were eventually chosen to be published. What happened to the remaining resolutions? Well, some say they were so vulgar and tasteless that they drove anyone who read them to madness. Others say that the resolutions developed a mind of their own and began ravaging stand-up comedy nights world-wide. Me? Hell, I don't even want to think about it...
From the depths of obscenity and poor taste, here are 12 of the discarded resolutions...
1. Recapture your youth. Start dating junior high school girls again.
2. Give back to your community. Return all the Christmas presents you stole from the orphanage.
3. Quit drinking so much alcohol...before church on Sundays.
4. Be more frugal. Tip the strippers with toonies instead of fives.
5. Give more to homeless people. Try 5 kicks instead of 4.
6. Go on that trip you've always wanted to take. I hear Sergio sells blotter paper behind the depot for $10 a hit.
7. Eat less red meat. Try human flesh.
8. Spend more time with family and friends. Visit the penitentiary more often.
9. Be kinder to strangers. Wear condoms.
10. Spend more time outdoors. Masturbate on the park bench instead of the bus shelter.
11. Try to enjoy summer more. After all, you're paying her $30 an hour.
12. Get a better education. Leave Red River College and go to university.
Wow this is actually hilarious. You have a sense of humour? I had no idea.
ReplyDeleteHayley was telling me about these, but I never actually read them. I'm pretty sure I said, "how can they be THAT bad." I retract that statement. We probably would have been assassinated had we let these go into The Projector...
ReplyDeleteI've read them, and now I'm criminally insane.
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ReplyDeleteRobert Louis Stevenson burned the initial manuscript of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde because it terrified his wife so. Dylan and I sent our initial resolutions down into the infinitely immolating underworld because they were too depraved for likes of rational beings. Whoever's down there sent them back, said he wasn't allowed to play with us anymore.
ReplyDeleteI learned it all from Gord Beveridge, John.
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah, what Chuka said...
Ah Summer... nice work guys this is really funny.
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